For the longest time, I wasn’t the star of my own show… or so I thought.
I thought I was putting everyone before myself. I thought I was a giver and I never received. I thought I was the victim and everything was happening to me. I didn’t see any of my problems as having anything to do with me. I really genuinely believed life was happening to me, not for me, and I was just along for the ride. I was a mere passenger on my show, I wasn’t starring in anything, the show was starring my ex-husband, and everyone who was prettier, more successful, in a happier marriage, and not struggling with body dysmorphia and disordered eating.
In actuality, I was always the star of “The Erica Show”. I am the star now and I was the star then. The show back in my 20s was a drama, revolved around everyone else being the problem, and me playing the victim. The show now is is a docu-series, based on my life as woman in her mid-30s, who experiences real life triggers, meets them to the best of her ability, with heightened awareness and expands past them. Some days are a romance, some days a thriller, some days a comedy, others a drama and some days are completely “blah”. I’d say it’s a pretty well-rounded show. Hints of the old show pop up here and there, however not as often these days.
So why bring this up?
We are in Leo season and talking about stepping into “leading role” energy in your life.
My point is we are always the leading role. We are consistently making choices, based on our beliefs about ourselves and the world, that categorize what kind of leading role we are playing. We are either fostering a powerful co-creator of our reality or a victim role. A leader or a follower role. I responsibility taker or a blamer role. We get plenty of attention for both mind you. In the powerful role, people want to know what we are doing and mirror us. In the victim role, people feel sorry for us and want to take care of us.
My questions for you are as follows:
What kind of main character are you playing at the moment?
The victim or the creator?
The leader or the follower?
The responsibility taker or the blamer?
Do you fill up cups or suck them dry?
This is what I’ll say, by answering these questions you probably have a good idea of the type of leading role you are playing.
Is this the kind of person you want to be? Is this the leading role energy you want to put out in this life?
If it’s not, it’s time to ask yourself what you’re getting from being the victim, from dimming your light, and from not stepping into the powerful, authentic and self-expressed self, you know you are.
We are always getting something from the roles we are playing in our lives. Essentially, we get something from our painful ways of being and our pleasurable ones. Secretly, I believe on some level, we like to dip our toes into the world of masochism. Some of us, more often than others. Ya know they say that, "pain is just pleasure without judgment.” It actually turns us on to be in pain. Well I don’t know if that feels completely resonate, however here is what I will say, somewhere deep down we continue to play the roles that our conscious mind knows we do not want to play any more, because our subconscious mind genuinely believes we are getting something from them.
Patterns of victimhood keep us safe. We don’t have to succeed or fail. People feel sorry for us, so we get to feel seen, heard and loved. It’s a great way of getting some of our needs met and we actually secretly love some of our painful patterns.
Unfortunately victim behavior also keeps our banks accounts where they are at, our relationships entangled (toxic power dynamics) instead of co-commited (equal partner dynamics), and feeling stuck in the same place without moving the needle forward.
When I was playing the leading role in my drama, the victim was great at times because I didn’t have to take responsibility for anything. Everything was always my ex-husbands fault, he was the one struggling with alcohol addiction, which I made mean, was worse than me struggling with bulimia. Why? People could see his struggle, no one saw mine. I lived in the facade life, more concerned with what it looked like than what it actually was. He was the one drunk driving and disappearing, so throwing up occasionally was no big D. And I blamed him for wanting to throw up more often. I blamed him for spending money we didn’t have and running up the credit cards, because I had to make myself feel better from all his drinking, texting other women, and so on. I could be late to meetings, evens and gatherings and blame it on him. I could be disheveled and blame it on him. I could “fail” and blame it on him. I could pretty much blame all my emotions, all my short-comings, all my everything I didn’t particularly like about myself on him. AND people felt sorry for me, which I loved, because I was dying for connection and to be seen.
The victim leading role can be quite addictive and also quite exhausting.
Starting to take a look at my shit, took some time. I had to hit a series of rock bottoms before I did. I choked on my own vomit one time and nearly died after binging and purging. That was special. A couple DUI’s and some jail time. Toxic marriage and a divorce. Dizzy as hell and not able to walk or go out of the house on and off for months at a time. That was the one that did the number on me. It was like, the universe literally made me sit still with myself so I could start to see what what going on.
I’ll tell you this, shifting the leading role to the co-creator of your reality from victim, won’t necessarily feel easy. It’s like turning the lights on in dark room and seeing it’s a mess. Yet, there can be no liberation without truth. We must be honest with ourselves about all the shit because only then can we actually start living life in a leading role that feels genuinely worth living. You get to choose what side you will foster. You get to choose what kind of attention you desire. You get to choose how you will see you, hear you and choose you.
Let me ask you this… would it be more painful to be exactly where you are in 2-5 years or actually do the work and shift the role?
Since taking responsibility for myself, I can’t say life is all peaches. Some days it still feels like I am standing in a pile of shit, but what has shifted is, no matter what happens in my world, I know I have options. I know I can self-source my feelings. I know I can take full responsibility for myself and where I am at, make changes and see new results. Stepping into the role of powerful co-creator, has lead to powerful career changes where I feel like I am living my dharma. It’s fostered fulfilling and rewarding relationships and made me realize no matter what I have my own back. It feels a hell of a lot better living in this leading role than the other.
So what to do?
- Get honest with yourself about where you’re at and who you are showing up as. Get honest with yourself about how you’re showing up, start to look at all your beliefs around money, relationships, your worth, society and health. Like I said, there can be no liberation without truth. Where are you limiting yourself? What thoughts feel expansive and what feels limiting? Do the work to heal and shift your beliefs.
- Then, choose responsibility over blame. Who are you currently blaming your problems on in your life? Where have you made yourself the victim? We can’t be a powerful co-creator and a blamer. So everywhere you aren’t taking responsibility for yourself, take it and start to clean up your side of the street.
- Next, choose creation over consumption. Where have you been consuming instead of creating? Where do you take from others, instead of give? Are you contributing? Are you always the one borrowing something, being taken out, couch surfing? Or are you creating things for others, giving to others? Creation requires a level of stillness. We can’t be moving around all the time and think something will come through us. Give yourself some space and grace to just be with yourself, in nature, and get out of consumption and into creation.
Fostering your powerful co-creator will lead to the leading role energy that feels expansive, exciting and a life worth living.
@Erica_Sauer is an Intuitive Life Coach, Breathwork Facilitator & Writer.
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Millions of Mirrors by Erica Sauer is based on the assumption that everything outside of us is a reflection of what is going on inside. That all our thoughts, beliefs and stories about ourselves and society create the present reality that is unfolding in front of us. It is the idea that if you do not like what is happening outside of yourself, you have the power to transform it by shedding the limitations and constructs you have been programmed to believe. This editorial space offers spiritual guidance, lessons, and practical tips and tools to allow you see the truth of yourself and embrace all you are becoming. Follow along with Intuitive Life Coach & Writer, Erica Sauer, so you can turn your magic all the way the f*&k on.